So I typed out a looooong thing about what an asshole I've been, but the amount of narcissism it contained was way too fucking much, even for me. I'm a raging narcissist, but I only approve of it when it's darkly funny. I also didn't have coffee, so I'm kind of rambly but LOOK AT ALL THE FUCKS I GIVE (other things I've been not giving a fuck about: using my turn signal and being a decent human being. Also, I don't really care for orphans and if dolphins are so fucking smart, why can't they AVOID the tuna nets? I don't want to eat dolphins. They creep me out).
Anyway, I guess there was an earthquake yesterday? I was too busy self-obsessing to feel it, but my mom said it was even scarier than a rattlesnake, or even TWO rattlesnakes, and she stopped talking to me when I asked if it was scarier than EIGHT MILLION rattlesnakes, in her BED. I think if I came home and found that many rattlesnakes in my bed, I would pretty much just die, right there on the spot. That's way scarier than an earthquake, because it's RATTLESNAKES. Also scarier? Like a billion centipedes. Or even, like, three centipedes. And I don't even like earthquakes! Or wildfires. Or the beach (I litter on purpose). I'm so bad at being from California.